“God will give you a way out of tempting situations but if you keep intentionally putting yourself in those compromising places, then soon the Holy Spirits voice will be drowned out by your emotions and feelings. Soon, you will no longer be able to hear God’s voice because you’re so busy listening to the clutter around you.”
I don’t have sex.
This is usually the part where most guys who try to court me run. They always look at me crazy when I state my boundaries. I made the decision to not have sex at a very early age. You can read more about my decision and how I exercise abstinence as a single woman on my NakedMomsBlog feature. As liberal as I am, I’m rather conservative with my sexual energy. This is mainly for two reasons, God and myself. I decided to passionately follow Christ with everything inside me and this meant protecting his temple. “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19. I also know that I have a tendency to be very attached and I don’t want to unite my soul and body with someone who would not respect and honor me the way I deserve.
In this blog, I want to discuss the struggles and challenges I have encountered while dating as a woman who practices abstinence.
Prior to being in a relationship, it was relatively easy for me to abstain from sex. This was because I had already made up in my mind the type of man I would want. I understood the depth of sex from a very young age and I knew it’ll be really hard for me to share myself that intimately with just anyone. However, a new challenge came into play when I started my serious dating relationships. Would I be able to refrain from sexual activities once I met the man I could build a future with?
When you’re in love with someone, you somewhat lose your senses. There’s a reckless abandon that I was not prepared for. I quickly realized that remaining abstinent in a relationship would require so much more effort than when I was a single. The passion, the genuine friendship, the love and everything in-between fuels the fire when seriously dating.
So how does one guard their hearts while dating? Keep reading to learn the tips and experiences I gathered and utilized while dating.
- Prepare your mind: It will be messy. Do not go into a relationship without preparing your mind for war. Some might say this is too intense but, if you want to come out winning, you have to prepare as if you’re going to war. Understand that a relationship is not a safe ground when it comes to sex. Even though your partner is practicing abstinence, both of you are still a physical manifestation of each other’s sexual desire. Once you acknowledge this reality, you will have to draw serious boundaries in your dating relationship.
- Set boundaries at the beginning: It’s easier to start new than to amend old habits. In my experience, I was more successful when we established boundaries in the beginning of our relationship. Now, can those boundaries been crossed? Definitely, but we made an effort to keep revising the boundaries until we were in a space where we knew we would not tempt each other. Boundaries can include so many things such as: Where you go as a couple; The type of conversations you engage in; What you wear around each other; Times You go over to each other’s place; Sleeping arrangements and much more.
- Stay Accountable: I have a community of people that keep me grounded in my Christian walk. I call them when my mind is going crazy. They speak life into my weak flesh and they walk with me through difficult times. I would expect my partner to have a similar community as well because it really takes a village to accomplish this type of goal.
- Pray Together: I think it’s very important for a couple to pray and seek God together. Not only does this act increase your bond but, it also establishes accountability to someone greater than yourselves. Prayer makes you vulnerable to God because of the transparency and intimacy it delivers. This gives you strength in the midst of your lustful desires to flee from temptation.
- FLEE: 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” Sex is a powerful and magnificent release of energy and pleasure. You cannot flirt around with a force that heavy. The best option in practicing abstinence is to flee. There have been situations where I’ve had to physically run from tempting situations. One time, I literally jumped the fence and ran for my dear life because your girl was NOT strong enough to resist.
- Be Humble: I don’t play when it come to protecting my sexual energy. I don’t believe I’ve made it this far on my own strength and I will never take credit. I’m very humble because I know my strength come from the Lord and my desire to serve him with my entire being. Humility is very important when you’re in a relationship. The saying is “pride comes before the fall.” When you think you’re strong enough, you become proud and let your guard down. When you’re humble, you know that you can mess up at anytime. This allows you to remain diligent and not rely on your own strength.
I hope this blog gives you pratical advice when navigating an abstinent relationship. It is definitely not an easy task but it can be accomplished. What are some practices you use in protecting your purity while dating? Would you like me to discuss other issues? Please leave comments below!
Thanks for reading beauties! Until next time, you can keep up with me on Instagram @iam_Deborah.