“I guess I thought that my desire for marriage made me “ready.” There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to be married by the way, but it’s something seriously wrong when you have a mindset like I did that questioned if my life would be as effective without marriage.” – Calah Jackson
I’m 25, single and in no rush to get married.
I’m sure one of my Nigerian Aunties is somewhere wondering if I’ve lost my mind. Don’t worry, I’m completely sane. Now, first things first, I believe in marriage and I do want to get married one day. However, I have a problem with the ideology that marriage is the ultimate goal and my life begins and ends with marriage.
Why should being married be the goal in my 20s? Isn’t my 20s supposed to be the time I learn about myself, my values, my inspiration, my beliefs and relationship with God? I find it strange that at a time I’m supposed to figure out adulting and my life purpose, I’m bombarded by “when am I going to settle down and get married?” questions. I mean, am I less valuable because I’m not married? Unfortunately, the society we live in believes marriage is a prerequisite for a great life. I strongly disagree because I know so many people who married early that wish they took their time.
In my friend’s blog Naked Moms Collective she states, “I looked at marriage like a “level up” in life when really it’s a covenant with God and spouse that I diminished and devalued greatly by making it an idol. Fast forward some years and I am reaping the consequences of a heart and mind that didn’t truly have Jesus at the center. Marriage isn’t just hard relationally, it’s hard spiritually. You are battling all the time alongside your spouse and fighting to honor the covenant you made.”
This really hit home because a lot of us, especially Christians idolize marriage to the point we ignore that our life does not automatically become perfect because we’re married. This is far from the truth because marriage actually amplifies and exposes your imperfections, insecurities and sinful nature. Whoever you were prior to marriage becomes more apparent. If you were a cheater, procrastinator, liar, control freak, etc prior to marriage, it doesn’t end because you have a ring on your finger.
So why isn’t there more pressure on us to become better individuals spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically? Why not focus on how to be a better person and live in the truth and freedom given by the grace of God?
As a single, my biggest struggle is having sex because I want to wait till marriage but, this does not mean I’ll rush and marry just anybody. I really don’t want to get a divorce and I really want to enjoy my singleness and freedom more than anything. Also, I’m fully aware that nobody but God can fix my brokenness.
Picking a spouse should be done with extreme care. You need to be sure that the person is on a similar path as you are and your purpose is aligned. You have to have the capacity and tools to build. You should both be striving to become your best selves and be whole before coming together. Whole doesn’t mean you’re perfect… it means you are at peace and satisfied with your life and yourself. To be whole means you are content in God and the process of life. I don’t want to be anybody’s half. I want my future spouse to be whole because I don’t want a 50/50 relationship. I need 100/100.
Here Are A Few Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Rush Marriage:
- After The Temporary High, Reality Sets In: Don’t marry for the likes, the dress[es], the wedding, the sex and everything society makes you feel marriage is actually about. After the wedding planning and the wild sex and all, everything normalizes and reality sets in. The human you married can’t solve all your problems. You’ll find that they’re more imperfect than you could have imagined. At the end of the day, you’re just two humans trying to grow in purpose in a broken world.
- We’re All Humans, Your Spouse Will Fail You: Even when they don’t want to hurt you, they will. This is not to discredit the beauty, joy, peace and purpose that comes with marriage. However, I do want to stress the fact that your spouse is not the perfect solution for all your problems. He or she is another human trying to do the right thing and become their best selves. You have to give them the space to be human and not think they’ll solve all your problems.
- You Will Get Bored: I know this sounds like I’m a hater, but I’m speaking from the experiences of the diverse married people I’ve discussed with. They’ve all said the same thing. They have to put in effort to keep the spice and fire in the marriage. If you’re bored with your life now, marriage will not fix that.
At the end of the day, marriage isn’t a race. It’s just another season of your life. A beautiful season if you marry for the right reasons. Enjoy your singleness. Live, learn and find your happiness. When it’s time to marry, you will. Your life does not start and end with marriage. Your life is happening right now so go ahead and live.
I hope you found this blog insightful and I hope this inspires you to live in your current season. What are your thoughts regarding the idolization of marriage? Thanks for reading beauties! Until next time, you can keep up with me on Instagram @iam_Deborah.