Self-disclosure: I’m Not Okay

“Everybody goes through some tough times in their life, no matter what you do. Man, I’ve had my tough times.” – David Ortiz

These past couple of years have been a whirlwind of trials, emotions, uncertainty, loss, fear, anxiety and joy. I can’t begin to go into detail of the things I’ve gone through but if I were to share them with you, you might not believe me because I don’t look like what I’ve been going through.

I started this website to share blogs about my life and to share my journey to becoming the best version of myself. As a part of this journey, I have to honest with you all that have been dedicated to reading my blogs and following my throughout the years. Sometimes, becoming the best version of yourself can mean going through rough times and staying there for a while. Though I might not be able to share every detail in this blog, I will cover a few things.

I’m not okay. And when I say that, it’s not to ask for pity but really this is me sharing my vulnerability with you. These past few years have held so much pain and sadness and a detachment in my relationship with God. After college, I left my bubble of Christian friends doing Christian things and having a community to lean on. When I graduated I went through a whirlwind of trials. I fell in love, went through one of the most painful breakups I’d experienced, struggled to find my purpose, lost friends I thought would be there for me, got a major job offer rescinded, lost my ambition, went through another break up and feeling far away from God.

Growing up I always thought that if I followed God, he would protect me and guide me and to be honest, I feel like he hadn’t. Anyone who knows me knows how hard I work and hustle to make ends meet. I try to be proactive and positive and sometimes I try to push through even when I have nothing to give. But in 2019, I think I lost the fighting side of me and I became numb. I got tired of the disappointments, the heart aches, the broken promises, the inadequacy and it was just too much. And to be honest, I blamed God. I wondered, if God truly loved me like He says He does, why is He stripping me off everything I thought He wanted me to have. I’d done my fair share of following the “rules” and I tried so hard to do what the word of God said. But here I am, left with the feeling of nothingness. Have you ever gone through that before? Where you feel God has abandoned you? It’s a hard place to be in and sometimes it can be too heavy that you have no choice but to become numb. I have a very hard time getting out of bed and honestly all I want to do is sleep. The only thing I have keeping me sane is working out. And more recently, I’ve been losing the drive to work out. I have to force myself to keep working out because I’m scared I might completely fall apart if I have nothing to get me going daily.

As a Christian, it’s tough doing life when you feel like you’re alone. I want more out of life, I want to be in a space to receive those things. Sometimes its hard to feel close to God when you feel like he’s abandoned you. I crave those nights where I could just talk to him or cry and I could feel him there. I want nothing more than for God to reveal himself to me and tell me He still loves me and has great things planned for me.

Shout out to my family and friends that have been invading my life with love and prayer. I’m not where I want to be but the support helps. I read my sister’s blog and I resonated with this quote:

Praise him through the storm and Be Still
Through the storms we go through in life we have to remember that just because the sun isn’t out, doesn’t mean that we should allow our joy to be hidden. This is the time to remind yourself of the good that God has done for you and praise him for those moments because if he did it once he’ll do it again. 

Psalm 46:10
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Even though I’m struggling to believe, I’m trying to trust that God is still here in my brokenness. I’m struggling to believe that somehow he’ll turn this crazy season into a beautiful testimony. I want to invite you into my vulnerability and I hope if you’re going through a season like I’m going through, you’ll know that you’re not alone. For now, I will seek peace and joy. However, I understand that it’s okay to not be okay. I understand that sometimes its okay to mourn and let yourself feel what you feel. This is the only way you heal.

I hope you found this blog insightful and I hope you pray for me. How do you cope in tough seasons? Please leave your comments below. Thanks for reading beauties! Until next time, you can keep up with me on Instagram @itsdeborahqueen.

Love

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10 thoughts on “Self-disclosure: I’m Not Okay

  1. ‘Trusting that God is still here in my brokenness’.
    This is what I think it means to have God in ones life. It’s the difference between hope and hopelessness. Knowing that even in the darkest darkness, you’re not alone. Sometimes it’s the difference between life and death.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Deborah!
    As I read your blog I can totally relate. I have also been in a funk and have had to fight with certain lies that started to creep up. The first lie was that God is far. Once I started to constantly remind myself of God’s nearness regardless of my emotional state I started to feel less of the burden and heaviness of feeling stuck. However, it is ok to not feel ok but I pray that in those vulnerable moments you your relationship with God again reminding you of his nearness always and his unconditional, reckless, furious, wild, and constant love for YOU.
    Praying for you ♥️

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    1. Awww thank you for this Nicole and thanks for sharing your experience. The lies creep up on you honestly!! Like I think for a while I’ve let myself believe the lies and it got to the part where I realize wow, how did I get here? But even in this brokenness, I’m fighting to hold on to the truth I’ve seen in my life over the years. Awww and thanks for your prayers!!

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  3. You need a direction? Read Psalm 73:21-26, deeper explanation on that? Read Colossians 3:12 & 15, In Psalm 27:7-14 David went through same, check out his testimony & he’ll help you with some piece of advice which is perfect in v14, Now be courageous, this is the solution & what you’ll do in Joshua 1:7-9 & then I can 100% assure you, you’ll feel better afterwards. Remember, be guided using the weapons(attributes) in Colossians 3:12B it will help see you through. Every answer you need is in Gods word (HE KNOWS BEST). Now go on, use GOODNEWS TRANSLATION as God help you through….be STRONG 💪🏽

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  4. Oh sis. I connect with you on so many levels. Even though I might not fully understand how you feel, I have been in a similar position before when I felt nothing but numbness. Luckily for me, God pulled me out of it. & I am very sure He will pull you out of it to.

    Take it one day at a time & always remember that HE loves you deeply even if it doesn’t seem like it at the mean time.

    What worked for me was knowing that I am a child of God and He only wants what’s best for me. See it this way, what’s best for you might not look like it at first sight. For instance, we limit sweets and junks we give to children because it’s not good for them, but all they see if that we are depriving them of their ‘treats’ & not necessarily the health benefits behind it.

    That’s how I see certain things with God, where I am, where I should be, what I should be doing. I love to see and believe that the now might be painful so the tomorrow will be smooth.

    Blessings sis x

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    1. Hey Chi,

      Thank you for this and thanks for accepting my vulnerability. It’s true, sometimes I know as humans we’re very shortsighted and we fail to see the other side. My dad told me that God’s no sometimes is protection and maybe he’s just protecting me. Some days are better than others but I’m trying to move every day. God bless you ❤️

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