“Everybody goes through some tough times in their life, no matter what you do. Man, I’ve had my tough times.” – David Ortiz
These past couple of years have been a whirlwind of trials, emotions, uncertainty, loss, fear, anxiety and joy. I can’t begin to go into detail of the things I’ve gone through but if I were to share them with you, you might not believe me because I don’t look like what I’ve been going through.
I started this website to share blogs about my life and to share my journey to becoming the best version of myself. As a part of this journey, I have to honest with you all that have been dedicated to reading my blogs and following my throughout the years. Sometimes, becoming the best version of yourself can mean going through rough times and staying there for a while. Though I might not be able to share every detail in this blog, I will cover a few things.
I’m not okay. And when I say that, it’s not to ask for pity but really this is me sharing my vulnerability with you. These past few years have held so much pain and sadness and a detachment in my relationship with God. After college, I left my bubble of Christian friends doing Christian things and having a community to lean on. When I graduated I went through a whirlwind of trials. I fell in love, went through one of the most painful breakups I’d experienced, struggled to find my purpose, lost friends I thought would be there for me, got a major job offer rescinded, lost my ambition, went through another break up and feeling far away from God.
Growing up I always thought that if I followed God, he would protect me and guide me and to be honest, I feel like he hadn’t. Anyone who knows me knows how hard I work and hustle to make ends meet. I try to be proactive and positive and sometimes I try to push through even when I have nothing to give. But in 2019, I think I lost the fighting side of me and I became numb. I got tired of the disappointments, the heart aches, the broken promises, the inadequacy and it was just too much. And to be honest, I blamed God. I wondered, if God truly loved me like He says He does, why is He stripping me off everything I thought He wanted me to have. I’d done my fair share of following the “rules” and I tried so hard to do what the word of God said. But here I am, left with the feeling of nothingness. Have you ever gone through that before? Where you feel God has abandoned you? It’s a hard place to be in and sometimes it can be too heavy that you have no choice but to become numb. I have a very hard time getting out of bed and honestly all I want to do is sleep. The only thing I have keeping me sane is working out. And more recently, I’ve been losing the drive to work out. I have to force myself to keep working out because I’m scared I might completely fall apart if I have nothing to get me going daily.
As a Christian, it’s tough doing life when you feel like you’re alone. I want more out of life, I want to be in a space to receive those things. Sometimes its hard to feel close to God when you feel like he’s abandoned you. I crave those nights where I could just talk to him or cry and I could feel him there. I want nothing more than for God to reveal himself to me and tell me He still loves me and has great things planned for me.
Shout out to my family and friends that have been invading my life with love and prayer. I’m not where I want to be but the support helps. I read my sister’s blog and I resonated with this quote:
Praise him through the storm and Be Still
Through the storms we go through in life we have to remember that just because the sun isn’t out, doesn’t mean that we should allow our joy to be hidden. This is the time to remind yourself of the good that God has done for you and praise him for those moments because if he did it once he’ll do it again.
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Even though I’m struggling to believe, I’m trying to trust that God is still here in my brokenness. I’m struggling to believe that somehow he’ll turn this crazy season into a beautiful testimony. I want to invite you into my vulnerability and I hope if you’re going through a season like I’m going through, you’ll know that you’re not alone. For now, I will seek peace and joy. However, I understand that it’s okay to not be okay. I understand that sometimes its okay to mourn and let yourself feel what you feel. This is the only way you heal.
I hope you found this blog insightful and I hope you pray for me. How do you cope in tough seasons? Please leave your comments below. Thanks for reading beauties! Until next time, you can keep up with me on Instagram @itsdeborahqueen.