If your parents don’t approve of your partner — whether it’s their fault or not— it can make your life really tricky. “- Lea Rose Emery
So you and your guy have been going steady and it’s time to meet the parents. You’re nervous, excited and everything in between. Meeting the parents is typically a crucial part of many relationships as you get serious.
Personally, family is very important to me and I care about the relationships I build with my partners family. When it comes to dating, I like to think long term and prefer to date seriously.
A few years back, I dated a guy I thought I was going to marry. At some point in our relationship, he brought me home to meet his family. Though initially I was welcomed with open arms, things turned into a nightmare in a matter of weeks. I was taken aback that his family, in particular, his parents did not like me.
I was accused of having ulterior motives to wanting to marry their son to the point where his family threatened to disown him if he married me. This is just the summary but guys it was a living hell. In my entire life of living, I’d never been disrespected in such a manner and reduced to a piece of paper. For one, I was shocked at the level of accusations and horrifying events that happened between me and his parents which led to issues between our two families. Secondly, the family issues quickly affected our relationship. The drama continued and got worse over a year. Though I tried to fight for our love, the family drama and dislike towards me made it impossible to have a healthy relationship.
After going through such a traumatic experience, I wondered how many other people are facing such challenges in their relationships. You may be at a crossroad with your significant other due to family drama. Though I may not have all the answers, I want to share some things I learned that might help you in dealing with this experience.
- It’s Not You, It’s Them: Having another human being treat you as less than human is quite painful. When my ex’s mother treated me with such dislike, I was perplexed and hurt. I didn’t understand what I had done to experience such level of hate that his family members felt the need to block me or take hurtful stance towards my love life and my “future” at the time. However, as things escalated, I quickly learned that the problem wasn’t me but it was them. When you’re disliked because of your tribe, ethnicity, nationality, there’s no justification. If someone doesn’t have a legitimate reason to dislike you such as a character flaw, then they’re treating you based on their own insecurities and bad character.
- Stay Humble and Remove Yourself From The Fire: When things got really bad, I decided to protect myself by creating a distance from his family. I never verbally spoke my mind to his parents, but I did make a decision to not allow my hurt put me in a bad light. Two wrongs will never make a right. In my case, I was involved in a car accident where a driver with faulty brakes ran the red light and ran into my car. Due to this accident, I was temporarily in his family house while waiting on insurance to fix my car so I can head back home. As things escalated, I prayed to God and I made the difficult choice to leave. Looking back, I’m glad I made this choice. Drawing boundaries can help to protect your peace.
- Love Is Not Always Enough: Back then, I was naïve and I believed that love was enough to sustain a relationship. However, I’ve come to learn that this is not true. Both parties have to be willing to make sacrifices and have a realistic plan to overcome adversity. In some ways, we tried to overcome the issue but ultimately, love without a plan cannot work. There was no convincing the family of giving me a chance or changing their minds. No matter how much we loved each other, it just wasn’t enough.
- Don’t Avoid Red Flags: When I first met the family, I had a weird conversation with the mother and sister. I knew it was a major red flag because they told me my ex partner did not love me and wanted to control me. Upon hearing this, I was afraid to tell my ex because I thought, “what if he didn’t believe me,” and I also didn’t want to cause any drama. However, avoiding this red flag caused major problems and if I had paid a bit more attention, I’d have seen the tsunami that was about to happen.
- Consider Your Future: When I said I was in love, I was madly in love. I really wanted to marry this guy and it felt like we constantly had problems we had to overcome. One thing that made me think differently was when I started to consider my future kids. Imagine having children and their grandmother doesn’t like you. How do you engage in that kind of relationship. When you consider a spouse, you can’t ignore extended family.
- Pray, and Pray Some More: Marriage is not something to joke with. You must have wisdom as you navigate. This is where prayer comes in. I spent so much time in prayer and after my ex and I broke up, God showed me my future and the kind of in-laws I deserved. If you’re going through this experience, it’s important to personally seek God. Pray and seek him and he’ll direct you to make the right choice for your future.
At the end of the day, family relationships can have a huge influence on your relationship. In some cases, you can overcome the adversity and have a healthy relationship. However, if your partner can’t stand up and defend you, run! There’s nothing worse than marrying into a family where you’re viewed as an outsider. When you’re being mistreated and disrespected by your partner’s family, your partner must find a way to build communication between all parties to ensure that issues are resolved. However, if there are no remedies to the issues and they keep getting worse, it’s important to remove yourself from the situation before you go through life constantly battling on the outside. Trust me, there’s always a better situation and a family that would love you for you.
I hope you found this blog insightful and if you’re going through this experience, know that you’re not alone. Have you been through a similar experience? How did you cope or what were the end results? Please leave your comments below. Thanks for reading beauties! Until next time, you can keep up with me on Instagram @itsdeborahqueen.